Nick and I always go through the same things at the same time due to the fact that we’re married, parents together and on the same journey. The problems we encounter always hit both of us at the same time so you would think that we would both respond in the same way. Not so! Nick responds in his way and I respond in mine, and it’s got me thinking about the grid through which people see things. It is totally possible for two people to look at the same situation and see two totally different things because of the grid through which they view the world.
The way a person sees things is actually critical because it will have an impact on the way they react to the situation which in turn will have an impact on the outcome. So a person’s grid can determine the outcome... scarey!
We’ve all heard of the proverbial optimist being someone who sees the glass half full and the proverbial pessimist being someone who sees the glass as half empty. Same glass – two viewpoints. But what actually makes the optimist see the glass as being half full? In a book called “Learned Optimism”, Professor Matin Seligman says that when something bad happens to an optimist, they expect that the bad thing will be short-lived (temporary), that is was caused by an outside source (external) and that it only affects a partial area of their life (specific). When something bad happens to a pessimist, they expect it will go on forever (permanent), feel that the bad thing was caused by themselves (personal) and that is will affect their whole life (pervasive).
“When pessimistic people run into obstacles in the workplace, in relationships or on the sports field, they give up” says Martin. “When optimistic people run into obstacles, they try harder.”
Optimism is intricately connected with faith and pessimism is connected with fear. You can’t be a pessimist who is full of faith, or an optimist that is full of fear. Do you know that it’s proven that optimists catch fewer sicknesses, live longer and bounce back quicker than pessimists.
Seeing as I am a natural optimist (Thankyou Jesus!), I battle to see life from the point of view of a pessimist, but I’m starting to think that the key for pessimists is to fake it til you make it! The Bible says that the tongue is the rudder of your ship, so even if you don’t believe a word of what you’re saying, tell yourself (and those around you) that everything will be fine, things will get better, your situation is temporary and there are so many things in your life to be thankful for. Picture what you want the outcome to be and start to believe that it will be so. The Bible says that “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” The actual translation is that faith is the “Title deed” for land you can not see! How cool is that! Can you see the land with your eyes– no. But if you can picture it with your mind’s eye and have the faith for it, then it is just as good as holding the title deed. The land is yours.
Joshua and Caleb were typical optimists because of their faith in their God. When they were sent into the promised land as spies to check whether they could beat the enemy and take over the land, what did they see with their real eyes – huge, scarey giants. But when they came back, they were the only two that said “Let’s go, we can take em!” Everyone else was terrified. Everybody saw the same thing but Joshua and Caleb’s response was different to everybody elses. Their response to a scarey situation was optimism based on faith which overflowed into their speech and in the end, they did beat the enemy and take the promised land.
I often marvel at how blessed I am. I can list so many things that I have to be grateful for. I wouldn’t swop my life for anybody else’s life and I’m so excited for what’s ahead. Even on a bad day, I know that I have gotten off light in life. I don’t have to look too far left or too far right to see that I am living in huge blessing! I don’t deserve it but I’m grateful for it and so conscious of the fact that every good and perfect thing in my life has come from one source – my God.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
The heat of the moment
I was reminded of something yesterday.
I got into an ugly argument with a total stranger which is something I haven’t done ever ... or at least in a very long time. He said something incredibly nasty to me out of left field and instead of keeping quiet I lashed out, then he lashed back, then I lashed back. In the end, I think you can say we were both equally rude, personal and mean and there was no winner.
It bothered me the whole day and almost ruined what was supposed to be an amazing day with the start of FIFA 2010. My thoughts ranged from “I can’t believe I behaved like that” to “Well, think about what he said! He deserved it.” Late last night at about 11pm, I decided that the only way to take the pestering thoughts and ugly feelings away was to apologise unconditionally so I sent him an email to say sorry and I immediately felt better.
Once again, I’ve come to realise that it is always wise to throw water on the fire, rather than petrol. No good can come out of reacting in anger. Even if you win, you don’t win. Even if you’re right in theory, you put yourself in the wrong and lose all hope of getting your point across.
If I felt strong enough, I should’ve come back to him with kind words. If I wasn’t strong enough to be kind at that point, I should’ve waited until I had calmed down before responding. Think of the shock he would’ve got if I responded to him in kindness. The effect would’ve been huge. It might have shaken his world view. But because I sunk right down to his level, all I did was reinforce the way he is and the way he sees the world.
I wish I could go back and handle it differently. The only good that came out of it is that I gained nothing and felt terrible, so next time (if I remember in the heat of the moment!), I’ll try and respond with love. The Bible says so clearly “Love your enemies” and “A peaceful answer turns away anger” and “Forgive 70 x 7 times”... there is no ambiguity about how we’re supposed to deal with people who treat us badly. We’re supposed to treat them with forgiveness and love - every time. There is power in it! I have lost my opportunity to reflect Jesus to that guy, but hopefully I’ll get it right next time.
I got into an ugly argument with a total stranger which is something I haven’t done ever ... or at least in a very long time. He said something incredibly nasty to me out of left field and instead of keeping quiet I lashed out, then he lashed back, then I lashed back. In the end, I think you can say we were both equally rude, personal and mean and there was no winner.
It bothered me the whole day and almost ruined what was supposed to be an amazing day with the start of FIFA 2010. My thoughts ranged from “I can’t believe I behaved like that” to “Well, think about what he said! He deserved it.” Late last night at about 11pm, I decided that the only way to take the pestering thoughts and ugly feelings away was to apologise unconditionally so I sent him an email to say sorry and I immediately felt better.
Once again, I’ve come to realise that it is always wise to throw water on the fire, rather than petrol. No good can come out of reacting in anger. Even if you win, you don’t win. Even if you’re right in theory, you put yourself in the wrong and lose all hope of getting your point across.
If I felt strong enough, I should’ve come back to him with kind words. If I wasn’t strong enough to be kind at that point, I should’ve waited until I had calmed down before responding. Think of the shock he would’ve got if I responded to him in kindness. The effect would’ve been huge. It might have shaken his world view. But because I sunk right down to his level, all I did was reinforce the way he is and the way he sees the world.
I wish I could go back and handle it differently. The only good that came out of it is that I gained nothing and felt terrible, so next time (if I remember in the heat of the moment!), I’ll try and respond with love. The Bible says so clearly “Love your enemies” and “A peaceful answer turns away anger” and “Forgive 70 x 7 times”... there is no ambiguity about how we’re supposed to deal with people who treat us badly. We’re supposed to treat them with forgiveness and love - every time. There is power in it! I have lost my opportunity to reflect Jesus to that guy, but hopefully I’ll get it right next time.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
The "Morne van der Merwe" test
Woke up this morning after maybe one hour of sleep because of a tiny beautiful baby with a stuffy nose. I had the usual negotiations with Nick about who’s turn it is for morning duty. Any couple who has kids (especially three of them aged 0 to 6)will be able to relate to these "negotiations". I say “I had Jasmine,” he says “I had the other two” and on we go... exhaustion is making me feel feverish and I’ve got pins and needles in my brain (have you ever felt that?).
A few days ago I had this incredible fear about the fact that I don’t feel close enough to God and I have become less and less Christ-like, so I’m trying my best to adjust where I need to adjust and change in all the areas that don’t reflect Jesus, but this morning all I wanted to do was throw my not-strong-enough coffee at somebody in the near vicinity (no names mentioned). So all my good intentions went out the window... Anyway, we both got up. I had a shower in the dark because the bulb had blown and I had time to think about what I call the “Morne van der Merwe” test.
When they installed the swings at Joshgen (our church), they had to test whether they were strong enough for little kids to swing on without breaking, so they needed some sort of ‘stress test’ for the swings. Apparently they called in Morne van der Merwe (an ex-Stormers rugby player) to sit on the swings and see if they will break under that weight. The rationale was rather test the swings under the heaviest weight possible before entrusting them to hold our precious children.
Sometimes it feels a bit like Morne is sitting on the swings, hey? I like to think they need to be tested for some important reason. The frame eeks and squeaks under the strain but it hasn’t broken yet (touch wood). Maybe when it has been sufficiently tested and proven strong enough, Morne will get off and then we can fulfil the task we need to with confidence that the swings have been tested and won’t break. At least, that’s what I’m going with today. :)
A few days ago I had this incredible fear about the fact that I don’t feel close enough to God and I have become less and less Christ-like, so I’m trying my best to adjust where I need to adjust and change in all the areas that don’t reflect Jesus, but this morning all I wanted to do was throw my not-strong-enough coffee at somebody in the near vicinity (no names mentioned). So all my good intentions went out the window... Anyway, we both got up. I had a shower in the dark because the bulb had blown and I had time to think about what I call the “Morne van der Merwe” test.
When they installed the swings at Joshgen (our church), they had to test whether they were strong enough for little kids to swing on without breaking, so they needed some sort of ‘stress test’ for the swings. Apparently they called in Morne van der Merwe (an ex-Stormers rugby player) to sit on the swings and see if they will break under that weight. The rationale was rather test the swings under the heaviest weight possible before entrusting them to hold our precious children.
Sometimes it feels a bit like Morne is sitting on the swings, hey? I like to think they need to be tested for some important reason. The frame eeks and squeaks under the strain but it hasn’t broken yet (touch wood). Maybe when it has been sufficiently tested and proven strong enough, Morne will get off and then we can fulfil the task we need to with confidence that the swings have been tested and won’t break. At least, that’s what I’m going with today. :)
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