In a dark tunnel

I'm just thinking about all the people I know who are going through something very difficult this week ... I can think of so many and I can feel my own heart paining... it's funny how all the hardest things in life, we face alone. People can empathise but they can't go through it for you and everybody's life has to go on. How many of us have had a moment where our life was falling apart and we look around at the hustle and bustle around us and realise that it is actually just our world that has stopped - the rest of the world is still going. I think of Daniel in the lions den, David facing Goliath, Samson blind and weak tied to the temple posts, and even Jesus who asked his disciples to stay awake and pray on the night he knew he was going to die. It seems that there are times in our life when we enter a tunnel and even the closest people to us can't help no matter how well meaning they are. The Bible says that God is an everpresent help in times of trouble. Everpresent. He is the only one that can get into that tunnel with us when the rest of the world has gone quiet. That is why the psalmist says "I lift my eyes up to the hills, where does my help come from, my help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth." I'm praying tonight for those I know who are in that tunnel. May they find the person who can get to them there. His light will shine when all else fades.

God in London

For those of you that don't know, I am in the UK on a 3 week contract. I was offered the position on Wednesday and asked if I can start on Tuesday. So we had a few days to book the ticket and get me here. Anyway, I found my way yesterday to Hillsong Church in the centre of London. Neither of the trains that could take me there were working, but there was no way I was going to miss it and I saw the fact that both trains were broken as more confirmation that I needed to get there. So I pushed on, changing stations and trying to find a route that was operational. As I was on my way, my continual prayer was "God, I need to find solid rock under my feet right now. I need to find you." When I finally got there, I felt like a fish that had been flapping around on the sidewalk and was now back in water. I took a deep breath and felt so at home among so many people who know God - I recognise the same Spirit anywhere and it is always home to me.

The church meets in the same theatre that they use for the musical "We will rock you" so you can imagine the sight that greeted me as I walked through the doors. The word 'Wow' came out of my mouth involuntarily about 4 times. After the 4th time, I apologised to the guy in front of me for saying "Wow" so many times in his ear. The atmosphere was electric and of course the worship of thousands of people in unison was awesome. Flashing on the screens in front was the phrase "The church is not peripheral to the world, the world is peripheral to the church."

I had wanted to go in the morning but through circumstance, I had missed the two morning services and ended up at the 15h30 service and it was no accident ... The message may as well have started out with the words "Nikki Venter, so glad you made it, this is what the Lord would say to you right now." More than once, I sat there with tears in my eyes as God answered questions that I have been wrestling with this week and reminded me about who He is. And when I remember who He is, then the question of "What the heck?!" becomes irrelevant. On a more apostolic note, it was so amazing to see one of the world's many local churches flexing its muscles. Will definitely be back there next week.

If you want to love with me - Nick's song

Oh my word! We're moving house so I was dusting off old photos and items and carefully packing them for the move when I came across this! This is a song by Keith Green that I wrote on a serviette for Nick the night we got engaged.

"If you want to love with me, love with me then,
I only ask that you still be my friend,
For there are many where friendships unknown,
They live together, but really alone.
And the days go their ways in silence,
Tense hours of woe,
We do not mean to have it so.

I know that sometimes I'm harder to love,
I thrash out blindly, like nothing's thought of,
So won't you help me to help you be sure,
God only knows that I want to be pure.
But the world keeps it promise daily, pulling me down,
But it can't hide what I have found.

So I will love you, and love you I do,
It's not complete yet, but you know we're not through
And the days go their ways in blessings,
Moments of truth,
We truly dare not waste our youth
You want to love with me, love with me then."

I remember how I felt when I gave him that serviette. I had a fear of ending up with one of those marriages you often see in a restaurant - the ones where no-one talks and they just eat in silence and look around and then leave. Whenever I saw couples like that, I thought "Oh God, please rather let us fight than end up like that. At least if you're fighting, you know you both still care." So that's why he got the serviette after he proposed... :)

Anyway, I often communicate in songs and I've had many for Nick... I bombard the poor man with a new song for every season of our lives... When we moved to the UK with two small children and the clothes on our back, our song became "Umbrella" by Rihanna.

"Because, when the sun shines, we shine together.
Told you I'd be here forever.
Said I'd always be your friend.
Took an oath I would stick it out to the end.
Now that it's raining more than ever.
Know that we still have each other.
You can stand under my umbrella.
You can stand under my umbrella."

Thinking back we've had quite a ride! Nothing boring about the life I've have had with Nick. I might die of a heart attack but I won't die of boredom!

I was looking at him playing on the carpet with the kids the other day and thinking about:
a)how good looking he is and
b)how he takes night duty with Jasmine every night so that I can sleep
and I thought to myself "How did I get such a diamond in the rough?" Nobody knows his faults better than I do. I've watched him survive the toothpaste test and I am sure of one thing - Nick is one of God's favourites... gifted, anointed and highly favoured. God has taken so much time, care and effort working on his foundations. As in Braveheart, we've heard Him say "Hold! Hold!" but the time must surely be near for the "God of the Suddenlies" to say "Now!"

God, you are good to me. Not a day goes by without me knowing it xxxx

A few things you didn't know about your spouse

I’ve been reading two books recently that I have found very interesting.

Basically, what they did is they conducted surveys with thousands of men and they put their findings in a book called “For women only” so wives can understand their husbands a bit better and they also did one called “For men only” which contains the results of the surveys conducted on women.

Being the nosy little parker I am, I read both.

Two things struck me hard from the book about men:

1) The first thing is that even if they’re happily married Christian men, they battle not to look at a pretty girl. They are created to want to look. It’s a struggle that was almost unanimous, from young to old, married to unmarried, Christian to non-Christian and even elders fessed up to fighting the battle against this particular sin. Looking at a woman with lust is a sin – the Bible says it is as bad as committing adultery with her. So for Christian men, this must be a constant ongoing struggle they face. I thought to myself “Not my Nick.” But the stats were so overwhelming that I asked him and to my surprise he said “Yes, I do want to look. I stop myself most times but I do notice when there is a healthy girl around.”... ‘healthy’ is obviously code for a hot bod. I held in my trauma and let him speak and I realised that even though I’ve got one of the most faithful guys around, even he has this battle. As a wife, this is very wounding and I immediately thought “Am I not good enough? What’s wrong with me? Why would he want to look at anyone else?” But the studies showed that this battle is not at all related to how much a man loves his wife. Even those who have the healthiest marriages with wives that look like bikini models still have to fight not to look at a woman with a nice body, so I let that comfort me.... :)

2) The other thing which I found interesting (and uncomfortable) was that almost every man surveyed found it extremely important that his wife look after herself. None of them can tell their wives this because it is such an incredibly touchy subject and would always cause heartache and a fight, but nearly every single one said they have a secret desire for their wives to make looking after herself and her body a priority – basically to try stay in shape and wear some make-up, etc.... Because men are so visual, if they see that their wives are making an effort in this area, they view this as an act of love and kindness towards them. And almost every man said he would throw money and time at helping his wife stay in shape. It’s obviously a biggie.

Not cool things to hear, hey? I know I’d love to stick my head in the sand and believe that Nick is immune to looking at pretty girls and that he will find me attractive no matter what I look like because he loves me, but it turns out, Chickens, that although our men won’t tell us these things, they are in fact almost unanimous! I remember reading a statement made by a renowned Christian author speaking to Christian wives and she said "Don't ask your husband if he's struggles not to look at other women, because he does. The question to ask is how can you help him in this area. Even Job who the Bible describes as ‘blameless’ had to make a covenant with his eyes not to look at a woman with lust other than his wife. I realise now that the reason he had to go as far as making a covenant is simple – Job was a man.

For the men reading this blog, the three unanimous things about women were these:

1) The first is that “I do” is never going to be enough for most women. A woman always wants to know “Do you still?” and she can and will behave very badly and very irrationally if she is feeling insecure about whether you love her or not. Most women at some stage have actually driven their men away to check “Will he come back?” It is her trying to answer the constant question she has gnawing away at her - “Do you still love me?” Even the most confident women doubt quite regularly if her husband really loves her. It’s an inbuilt insecurity that goes right back to Genesis and is the bane of our existence. Most women said that when men stomp out in an argument, the biggest concern they have is “Are we okay? Does he still love me?” The book says that if the husbands would just say “I want you to know that we’re okay and I still love you, I just need some space” it would relieve a lot of trauma.

2) This one shocked the guys – Almost 100% of women would choose a healthy relationship with their husband over financial security. This basically means that almost all women would prefer to be poor and happily married with a husband who adores her to being rich and unhappily married to a husband that she is not sure loves her. The well-being of the marriage is of utmost importance to women.

3) The reason women can’t let something go is because their minds are like a laptop with lots of open windows at the same time. A woman is incapable of closing a window until the issue has been resolved. If it has not been resolved, she can minimise it but it will pop open again at random until it is resolved. Men can set things aside and move on, but almost all women need the thing to be properly dealt with to close the window. I know this is an irritating one guys, but women are apparently made that way. That’s why when you get home, you get bombarded with things as you walk in the door... it’s all the open windows from the day :)

Anyway, I found these things interesting and helpful so I thought I’d quickly blog them. Try get the books if you can because this is a very rough summary... Basically I think we’re all more alike than we realise or than we’d care to admit. :)

"For I know the secret to contentment" - The Apostle Paul in Phillippians 4 v 12

I ordered the Jeremy Riddle Live Worship cd and to my absolute excitement, it arrived yesterday. I’ve been sitting in my car soaking it in... Listening to him sing about Jesus has taken me from goosebumps to tears. We so don’t get it. The Bible says that we see in part, but one day we will see in full. We get glimpses of who Jesus is in church or when we’re experiencing his creation or when He answers a prayer, but these are just glimpses. His full majesty is yet to be revealed. The Bible says that Creation is groaning for Him to return, but God in His infinite love and mercy is waiting so that as many people as possible can be saved.

Anyway, the last song on the cd is a very famous and powerful hymn. I looked it up a while ago and this is what I found on Wikipedia.... The hymn was written by a man called Horatio Spafford after several traumatic events in his life. The first was the death of his only son in 1871 at the age of four, shortly followed by the Great Chicago Fire which ruined him financially (he had been a successful lawyer). Then in 1873, he had planned to travel to Europe with his family on the SS Ville du Havre, but sent the family ahead while he was delayed on business concerning zoning problems following the Great Chicago Fire. While crossing the Atlantic, the ship sank rapidly after a collision with a sailing ship, the Loch Earn, and all four of Spafford's daughters died. His wife Anna survived and sent him the now famous telegram, "Saved alone." Shortly afterwards, as Spafford traveled to meet his grieving wife, he was inspired to write these words as his ship passed near where his daughters had died.

“When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain:
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life,
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But Lord, 'tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.”

The book of James, chapter 1 is something I’ve read often but it always goes over my head as I dream about the day when all the trials will be over and everything will be sorted. Recently, as I have been in the thick of some trials, I’ve started to think “Maybe I must do what the Bible says and consider this pure joy! Maybe trials are exactly what I need to be moulded into the image of Christ. Maybe if life was perfect, I would not have compassion for those who are struggling. Maybe I’d be proud, unforgiving and merciless.”

Being close to the ground has given me a perspective about how many people are down here - people I would never have seen or thought about before, people who Jesus thinks about. The Bible says that God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. In the world, we look up to the proud, but God looks up to the people that we don’t even notice.

What’s happened during this very difficult time in my life is that I’ve actually been given the opportunity to see life through someone else’s eyes. It’s been like a movie where you swop characters with someone and you get to live their life for a while. I am now realising, sometimes through tears, that these trial may actually be a gift from my God. How many people get to see life through the eyes of another?

I only pray that I will always remember it and always extend mercy as freely as I have received it. Being someone who never lacked for anything, I’ve never been a naturally merciful person. It’s one of the things Nick and I argued about when we first got married because he is ridiculously merciful and compassionate. He will take the shirt off his back and pass it on to someone he doesn’t know without even flinching or wondering how he is going to buy another shirt! I considered this very ‘unwise’. I am ashamed to say that my attitude was “You create your own lot in life and if you can’t get it right, then the fault is with you. Work harder or come up with a plan to sort it out. Don’t look for handouts.” Thankfully, my perspective has changed and hopefully one day I will be in the position to take a leaf out of my husband’s book and do lots of handouts, especially of the ‘unwise’ kind. Because doing what Jesus requires of us does not make ‘sense’ – Jesus requires us to do things that the world would not consider to be ‘wise’. But the Bible says “wisdom to the world is foolishness to God.” Proverbs 19 v 11 says that “He who gives to the poor, lends to God. God will repay him.”

I am grateful that I have been allowed to see life from the other side. It is embarrassing to think back about what a nana I was when life was easy. I think back on bold, rash statements I made and I cringe. All those words have come back to bite me as God is lovingly teaching me some things. He promises us that He will complete the work He started in us and He will do what it takes to produce the sweet fragrance of Jesus in us, a fragrance that is often produced only through suffering.

When you are going through the mill!

I went to go watch Wall Street tonight. I love how, after every disaster whether natural or man-made, the film industry always waits an obligatory two years for the dust to settle before pouncing on the movie rights and making the movie. The bleeding has usually stopped but the scars are still fresh when ‘the movie’ hits the big screen.

I’m glad I watched it because it has reminded me of something – It is not personal! It was a tidal wave that took out most of the globe, not just Joe Soap and his picket fence.

The stories I’ve heard are varied but they speak mostly of loss of everything. I was rich and now I am poor. I used to own this, now I own nothing. What I have realised though is the endings are not all the same. The ending is chosen by the individual. It either ends in hope and perspective about the important things in life, or it ends in front of a train. The ending seems to depend on where a person places his value. The Bible says that “Where your heart is, there your treasure will lie also.”

I will never forget in Varsity, one of our lecturers gave us a quote that went something like this:
“A person inevitably takes on the value of the thing that he worships. If he worships money, he will judge everyone in terms of their wealth and he himself will take on the value of his bank balance. But if he worships God, he will judge everyone in accordance with the fact that we are all God’s children and he himself will take on the value of being God’s child”

I spoke to a 60 year old man the other day. Up until three years ago, he had lived a life of luxury with many homes, many cars and many overseas holidays. Then in 2008, like so many, he started to lose everything and eventually was declared insolvent one year ago. He met God during this time and he is one of the blessed few that did not let it get to his heart. His adult daughter was supposed to be getting married a month after he was declared insolvent and he had planned a R160000.00 wedding for her. When he said to her “I can’t do it anymore”, she said “Dad, you’re seeing this wrong. If either Mom or one us kids had died and someone said to you that you could have us back again if you would just forfeit all your assets and money, what would you do?” He said to her “I’d give it all without blinking.” And she said to him “Well then Dad, what have you lost?”

I loved speaking to that man. He is full of joy and he has started over at the age of 60. He said he wouldn’t change it for the world because he has found Christ and his family is closer than they have ever been. He said he recognises that it wasn’t his fault so he is not going to hang his head in shame, he is going to get back into the game and do what he did before. And a year down the line, he has recovered a good portion of what he lost.

My heart goes out to the people who can’t see their way clear, to the ones who are holding on so tight and living in fear that if they let go, their world will come to an end. There is actually such liberty in letting go. It’s like you’re waiting for the bomb to go off, and it doesn’t. You close your eyes tight and you hear ... silence. Then you open your eyes and you’re still breathing, all the important things are still there and the worst part about it is that you start from scratch. There are still fun times, still laughs, lots of planning sessions, sweet time with the people you love and best of there are indescribable times in the presence of God that you can only really experience when you have reached the end of your own strength.

As I write this, my feelings are bittersweet. I am smiling because I am free of it. God has given me the grace to see it for what it is – a little thing. And I am finding this season with all its challenges to be one of hope. It has also glued my husband and I together with superglue. Our love for each other has gone to another level because we have faced this giant together. And there is something about staring down a giant that makes you cling to each other and harness every skill both of you have. You take what you got and you throw it in the pot! I love how sweet we have become with each other again.

But on the other side, I remember how it all felt before God did this miracle in my heart. I can not forget how it felt to not be able to see the wood from the trees and to be in the thick of it and terrified. Satan can take something the size of a mouse and put a big torch behind it so it looks 100 times bigger and scarier than it is. He operates with fear. As much as God works with faith, Satan works with fear. If he had it his way, we would all be walking around terrified and worried and anxious and totally missing the moment. If the Bible says the joy of the Lord is our strength, what do you think is the first thing that he tries to steal!

I so want to share the hope I have! More than ever before, I am telling people left, right and centre about Jesus. How can I not after what he has done for me? I’m sure some people are sick of hearing me proclaim the hope I have in Christ. Some probably think I’m LOoNy! Lol... But I’ll say it again as simply as possible - A short while ago, I was in situation that was bigger than me. Now I’m bigger than it. Or should I say, the God standing right behind me is bigger than it. I am like the little kid in the playground who nobody messes with because unbeknown to me, there is a teacher right behind me! Lol.

People, find rest in the arms of God. Really, it’s there, it’s available. You do not have to carry your burdens alone. Lift him to the rightful place in your life, elevated above all else and you will find rest. For the first time in my life, I understand the scripture “Come to me all you who are heavy laiden and I will give you rest. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

A change of heart

What a strange time in my life. So many mixed emotions, but funnily enough, mostly joy. I can only thank God for that because it is a supernatural joy. I find myself smiling when I drive and laughing at silly things like a child would. And it’s all because the other day I had a revelation of something and it has changed me. The end...

Jokes! This is what happened. I was sitting in church last week totally overwhelmed at a situation I’ve been dealing with and not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve prayed, I’ve begged, I’ve tried all sorts of things, I’ve cried, I’ve indulged in some lovely self pity, I’ve done the right things ...and nothing has made it better. Nothing more I can do. And no change. In fact, it has kept getting worse and it’s now at the final stage. So I’m at the back of the church and feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. All I can think is “God, where are you? Can you please do a miracle here. What am I going to do?.” Nothing. Prayers bouncing off the ceiling. Closed heaven. And I’m watching everyone singing and I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack from the stress. I just want to cry and cry. Then I start to feel a tugging on my heart. It’s like a quiet question “Will you praise me even if things never change? Will you lift your hands to me in adoration as things come crashing down?” And right there, I was given the opportunity to make a decision. Do I only praise God in the good times? Do I only sing of His goodness when He answers my prayers? Or do I lift my hands and sing praises to the Living God because He is good, regardless of whatever situation I am facing. I decided that even if I struggle until my dying breath, God is good and He is worthy of my praise. So I got up, lifted my hands and through tears, sang to God and told Him how much I love Him. I sang words about His kindness, His mercy, His goodness and His unchanging love.

After that, it’s like something has shifted in the heavenlies. Has my situation changed? No, in fact, it is still deteriorating. But the weight of the world is off my shoulders. I have changed. Later in the week, God was kind enough to teach me something else. He showed me that if I allow something to steal the joy I have in Christ, then I have allowed that thing to set itself up as an idol in my life and I need to put that thing back in its place. It sounds simple (some will say overly simple), but as I have repented of allowing “little things” to steal my joy, my joy has come back! Even in the middle of the storm! I’ve laughed this week. I’ve felt God’s presence again. I’ve heard his voice. I’ve had joy that has bubbled up like a spring from deep inside, and my situation has not changed! Who would've thought?

Joy and peace don’t come from getting a solution to the problem or from reasoning it out. They are unconditional gifts from God that I’ve realised can accessed when your eyes are fixed on Him. Like Peter who was able to walk on water while He was looking at Jesus, but began to sink as soon as he focused on the waves around him.

So I got my miracle - An unshakeable joy and peace that is not rooted in circumstance. What a huge gift. 