Cry of my heart

By the time I get home in December, I will have spent more than 100 days away from my children this year. Is it something I would’ve chosen, no. But am I grateful that I had such a well paying job in this economy. Yes.

It has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to especially because I can not properly explain to them. I can’t say “Mommy and Daddy want to do everything we can to make sure you don’t go without. Everything we do is for you. We will make some bad choices and some good choices, but the heart behind all we do is love for you.” No, to them I’m just a mom who was there one day and gone the next – and that kills me. I actually have to force myself not to think about it because it’s like a dam wall that if I allow one trickle through, it’s going to burst and I’ll just be swept away with emotions that are too big for my little heart to take.

I have had a lot of time to think though about the things that are important and how I want to live my life next year. You know, as moms we sometimes get so caught up in the 24 hour-ness of it all that it becomes about survival more than about pro-active parenting and we start wishing for a break. If I can say I’ve taken away anything with this very, very difficult year, it would probably be this:

1) I’m going to cut out all TV when I get home. If time is the coin of my life, then I would rather spend it on something that it’s worth spending it on. I have lost hours with my kids (I start crying as I write that) and I don’t want to lose anymore. There is enough of me to properly divide between 3 beautiful little people without any of them feeling like a day went by without quality time with me – but I need to cut on the pointless, time-sucking activities.

2) The bible says in Titus that the mom’s duty is to be homeward focused. I don’t know what that means to everyone (and I’m sure it’s different for all) but I am going to sit before God and work out what that means for me. My focus is far too often on worrying and fretting about what I can do. Am I doing enough? Is there something I haven’t thought of? How can I possibly in these times focus on my children? My focus needs to be elsewhere so they never have to worry about anything. I need to do all the worrying now so that they don't have to do it later! I know it sounds silly but this is a constant battle in me and the ONLY THING IT DOES, is keep me out of the here and now. I miss the “Mommy, look at this picture I drew” because I’m thinking about “What’s gonna happen tomorrow?” The past few years have been an exceptional case, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’ve lost hours. (crying again)

The Bible says “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life – whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to Him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life.”

Do we really read that verse for what it is - the God of the Universe telling us to do something. Or do we just skip over it and think "That's unrealistic."

There are always going to be those people who will say “Look at the storm! What are you going to do about it? How can you be this casual? Are you stupid? Do you not care about your children?” These words have pierced me in the past but after having done it that way and seeing that it does not add one drop of joy to your life, I am now going to be lifting my shield of faith when words like that come along.

I choose not to worry - and that's not "the gospel according to Nikki". That's the gospel according to God.